Death, Taxes, and Traffic in the (not so) Frozen North

On a recent business trip to Palmer Alaska I came face to face with Chinook Winds, Freezing Rain, and Icicles the size of a Buick. Without a doubt the further from 'civilization' I get the more I like the people I find. The alarmed town folk couldn't stop discussing the 'tropical' weather, and were convinced global warming was the culprit. Without exception everyone I met told me the past decade has seen less snow and warmer weather. I told them not to worry - I had spent the last two years in the deserts of Los Angeles, and while it does get quite hot, there is always another air conditioned mall to slip into. I'm still not sure why everybody found this funny.

One of the best things about business traveling is the places you get to go- places you would otherwise never go, or find. In preparation for my outings I use google maps to chart my destination. But, while in Alaska I noticed they take perverse pleasure in torturing travelers. All of the street signs were sprayed with snow (couldn't see any signs), and once you are out of a 'cosmopolitan' area there simply are no signs. Upon calling my clients for directions I ran into another interesting local phenomenon - how people name their roads.

-Phone Call-

after normal phone pleasantries....

me: "I'm on the 1 heading east, then I think I should get on the 3, is that right"

Client: "The one, what's that?"

me: "uh... the highway"

Client: "Glenn Highway?"

me: "I guess- there is only one highway in Alaska right?"

Client: "well.. there are 3- and you want to take the Glenn Highway, or you can take the old Glenn Highway -they go to the same place. Just don't go to Fairbanks."

me: "OK, how do I know if I'm on the Glenn highway?"

Client:"are you heading towards Fairbanks?"

me: "not sure, I don't know what road I'm on- I was trying to get on the 1"

Client: "Not sure I've ever heard of the 1, maybe it is a new road."

me:" OK, I'm sure I'll find it."

Client: "OK, good luck - if you go to Fairbanks, you've gone too far."

me: "OK thanks.."

Amazed that my cell phone was still working, I ended up calling home and getting Amy to read off the side streets in hopes that I would see one I recognized- it worked, and I figured out I was indeed on the Glenn Highway, not yet heading towards Fairbanks. Whew.

All of this however, led to a new idea: I propose a method for judging the 'Culture Scale' of an area based on the number (lower is better) and the creativity of nomenclature for their highways.

My examples:

-Plentiful Freeways- (culture scale =0)

Los Angeles: The 210, The 101, The 57 etc,405, I5.....all numbers. And there are so many to get someplace you almost always have to take 3 freeways- even if it is only 3 miles- The exception to this rule is if you are talking about an intersection of 2 or more major freeways like the one in orange county where the 5, the 57, the 55, and the others meet up is called the "Orange Crush" -clever, but not part of the system- thus with plentiful freeways (never a good thing) and no creativity- they get a score of 0.

-Handfuls of Freeways- (culture scale =60)

Seattle has: I5, I90, 405 "the S-curves", "ship canal bridge", "the cut"... areas of the freeway have names, usually related to the shape of the land or local culture- adds a touch of class to the commute. There are freeways, but you can also find 'back-roads' without crossing over a million freeway on-ramps. Thus, in Seattle they have creatively named sections of their sparse freeways. - they get a score of 60.

-Three freeways- (culture scale =90)

Alaska has the Glenn Highway, the Old Glenn Highway, and the Parks Highway. Also, a local told me that there is a 5 mile stretch of road named 'moose kill' highway- they keep a running count from June to June of each year of how many moose get hit by cars. 2004-2005 was a good year with only around 300 hit by cars. (that's a lot of moose). To sum it up, Alaska has only a few freeways to get to major sections of the state, and they apparently have colorful names like 'moose kill'. -they get a score of 90.

I have to mention a few East Coast things here while I'm at it... I loved the street names in Maryland- "Lost Knife", "Muddy Branch", -they evoke such great images, tell a little story.

But this is for 'Freeways' how come everything on the east coast is a Toll road? I mean really. How long do they expect people to keep paying for a road that I'm sure has already paid for itself 50 times over. Not to mention Toll booths are an instant traffic jam. Which brings me back to Alaska-

I was mildly upset when I ran into a traffic jam outside of Anchorage- seems there are three things you can't avoid - Death, Taxes and Traffic.